Define Youself

Story by QueenBee. Revised by Julyendlesslove.-----"Let your stories teach others, share them with us!"

 
Sitting at the balcony of the house, staring at keypad screen, thinking whether I should make a call I’m about to make, I am hopeless. This is what I tell myself everyday after he left; I am hopeless without him. I want to hit the dial and call him so my curiosity would run dry and I will be certain that there is nothing left between us. The cool breeze does nothing, but makes me feel like a complete loner in the world because the only one person that I had loved was taken away from me. What had I done that made him leave me? Was the love I gave not enough? In that very moment, I have a choice to make. A choice to become a complete loser in this love game, or a choice to silently let my thoughts run wild and forget about it tomorrow.

[Five weeks ago]

Watching Modern Family I was, three days after we broke up. I was stone-hearted because I knew this would be exactly like the past breakups we had. To us, breakup was like a big fight, and we would always end up getting back to each other. A couple days later, I knew nothing of what he was doing, or who he was with. I felt it; it was different this time. It was more painful and I’ve become more and more desperate, more and more curious of his whereabouts. I called him.

Me: “Where are you? Don’t you care about how I was doing?”

Him: “I’m home. We broke up. Stop calling me.”

He hung up. It hit me hard. It was like a knife stabbed right in my chest, making it hard for me to breathe. Could that be the voice I thought I knew?

Days later….

Phone ringing…

Me: “I miss you. Can we just make up and be in love as always?”

Him: “I can’t. We cannot be together. Now we’re not together anymore.”

Me: “Why can’t we? We’ve been together forever. Was it something I did?” It was foolish of me to ask that last question. But, it would be a most frequently asked question for a girl who just got dumped. The first thing that came to her mind was, is it her fault? Has she done something wrong?

He, as every decent heartbreaker, answered “It wasn’t your fault. It was mine. I’m busy. Good bye!”

Drops after drops my tears fall, I didn’t know what to do. It would have been easy for me to forget if he was a complete douche bag to me when we dated. It was a complete opposite. Most people I know would say we had the best relationship, the one that got the whole world jealous. He was the guy who took care of me, he was my best friend, he was everything I could ask of a boyfriend, but now, he’s completely someone different. Then, I thought of somewhat a brilliant idea, what if I get his attention by hurting myself? [Yes, it sounds stupid as it seems. But that was the choice a depressed woman would think of.]

I sent him a photo of the sleeping pills I had no intentions of taking because even though he broke my heart, I do love myself and have no desire to hurt my delicate body or gut. In my mind, there are two possible responses I would get: first, he still cares and has the feeling for me if he responds; second, if I get a silent treatment, it’s a message of “Go ahead and die, I don’t give a damn.”

Him: “Are you crazy? You think taking sleeping pills would make me love you again? You’re hurting yourself. I know you’re better than this.”

Me: sobbing through the phone at least this is what I can make the pain go away for now. You’re not here to take care of me anymore.”

Him: “Go ahead, take them if it makes u feel any better.”

I’m sorry if you expect me to die today because I surely don’t want to end my life yet. So I just cry myself until I fell asleep.

At 6pm, I woke up to have dinner. I had no appetite. I normally would eat everything on the table, but these days, I just lost it. I could barely touch my food, but I had to, I had to live so he can see how miserable I’ve become.

I went back to my room, locked myself up, and signed in to Facebook. I had this skill; most people would call it “stalking,” but I would call it “research.” So I did my research on my so-called ex-boyfriend. He’s not posting any new stuff because that’s just the way he was. But, there’s this one girl who seem to have completely new interest in everything on his profile. So, I did my research on her too. I forbid myself from accepting the truth, I denied what I saw, and categorize what I just saw as a possibility of his new relationship with this girl. I picked up my phone and dialed his number.

Me: “ Lemme tell you something. If you’re gonna dump me for some girls, at least pick a better one.”

Him: “What are u talking about?”

Me: “You know exactly what I’m talking about. Those words you tried to make me feel better when we broke up? That we can’t be together and shit. Yeah, you just got feelings for some other girls.”

Him: “You’re not listening to yourself. I’m not going to talk to this side of you.”

I was always this harsh and this mean on the outside, but I was very weak inside because I always ended up calling him, asking him to forgive me even I had no ideas what I did wrong. I would do whatever it took for him to come back.

Days later, I found out they went out together with some people they knew. In my mind, I went, “Shit just got real.” I was an inch away from killing this girl who’s having so much fun with my man. So I text him that night.

“She’s falling for you. Don’t play with her feelings. You’re not over me, and we’re done. She will agree to be your girl if you continue to be like this. I have no intentions of playing or messing around or starting any relationship. We’re just friends. Just like you and me.” Quickly he replied, “So you said I’d said what you needed to hear.”

I was dying inside, slowly and painfully. I knew how much it hurts a wife when her husband has an affair or cheats on her. I couldn’t forgive both of them for hurting me and going behind my back like it was okay. I thought he was better than that. I couldn’t believe the man I once loved became someone I used to know. He was different and this side of him was new. To me, he was still that decent guy who puts me first on the top of his list. Now? I am being replaced. And that one girl who is on her way of replacing me should at least understand how bad I must have felt knowing someone who was with my man.

It was a hot sunny day, I called him to meet me after I had found out they went to watch a movie together, just the two of them. Frankly, it was an excuse to see him because I hadn’t seen him for weeks. I missed him so much. It was a 30-minute drive. He got in and looked exhausted. It seems as if he didn’t get enough sleep or food. I wanted to touch his face, but I couldn’t. He wasn’t not mine anymore.

“Why do you want to meet me?” he asked. Instantaneously I relied, “Why did you lie to me? You said there hadn’t been anything between you and her.” “We’re not together anymore. Why can’t I meet someone new?” “Three weeks after you broke up with me? The mourning period for a dead spouse is AT LEAST three months.” He gently said as always, “Well, time moves fast these days. She will feel bad if she knows I have come here to meet you.” I held my hand up high and slapped him right in the face. My palm hurts, but my heart hurts even more. It was the first time I hit someone because I had been mad.

I lost it. I yelled, “DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT ME??? Don’t I feel bad knowing I’m being replaced? Don’t you think for a second of seeing the man I love going to some new girls he had just met kills me inside? You’re a complete jerk, you know that?” He just looked at me, lost for words. “This will be the last day for me to try. Everything has its limit. I’ve been to my lowest, begging you, crying for you. From today on, you will just be someone I used to know. And all the shit we’ve been through these years, I’ll just have to live with it. Now get out!”

I couldn’t see what’s on the road clearly because my eyes were filled with tears that I had been trying to hold. I came in my room, locked the door, brought out my old photos with him, tore them into small pieces. In the mirror, I saw one ugly teenage girl; I saw despair in her eyes. I looked at her for a very long time. She’s so pathetic. It was not like her whole life had been crashing. So I wiped the tear on my face and washed away the sadness. I put my makeup on and I called my friends out.

For weeks, I’ve been doing these things with my friends. Hanging out, having fun, going to movies, going to parties, dressing up, we did whatever comes to our minds. And for weeks, I forgot my heart had been wounded by those two. A wise man once said, “Your happiness drives people crazy.” I started to see it was true. It drove people crazy when they thought they were the reason behind your happiness and once they were gone, your life should be miserable. Prove them wrong. 

No one should define her life, whether she should be happy or sad, laugh or cry because it is only she who can choose what goes in and out of her life. If they’re not worth staying, there’s an exit door, don’t hesitate to kick them out. Life is too short to keep those who are not worth it. Those who are worth it will always stand by your side, no matter what happens.